Today was a very difficult day for Gabrielle. Both Inca and I were with her for the entire ordeal, and while we both agree that she did a beautiful job, it has left its mark on her spirit. But I am getting ahead of myself.
Tonight was supposed to be a date night for Gabrielle and Nick. She had other plans. When Nick came home from the park, where he had met a group of his friends for a game of basketball, she was sitting on the sofa, waiting for him.
Though he could not see Inca and I standing at her shoulders, Nick was aware of something wrong the moment he walked in. “Hey, babe,” he said, frowning at her as he closed the door behind himself. “Everything okay?”
She did not answer the question, because everything was not okay—that was the whole reason they were about to have this conversation. “Have a seat,” she said.
His wariness increased sharply. “Well, I should probably shower—”
“Have a seat,” she said again, her voice colder.
He crossed the room and sank down on the other end of the sofa without another word. Gabrielle turned to face him, and Inca went around to stand at the end of the sofa, so that she could glare at Nick without obstruction. I stayed where I was, within wing-reach of both of them.
“I’m not happy, Nick,” Gabrielle told him. “With us. With our marriage. I am not happy at all.”
Nick looked confused. “I thought we already had this conversation.”
“Did we? Because I’m not sure you were listening.”
“Yeah, but—come on, Gabby, it’s been better, hasn’t it?”
“How could it be better, Nick? Nothing’s changed,” Gabrielle said.
“Gently,” Inca whispered to her. “This is not a fight that can be won with force.”
Gabrielle took a deep breath and exhaled it through pursed lips. “I’m not going to yell at you, because yelling doesn’t work,” she went on. “I know that because we’ve fought a lot, and nothing ever gets solved when we’re yelling at each other. But I have told you that I’m unhappy, Nick. I asked you to go to therapy with me, and you told me that we didn’t need it.”
“But we don’t, Gabby,” Nick said, trying to catch her hands.
I sent her a rush of strength. “Make certain he hears you,” I said to her.
She pulled them out of his grip. “You don’t need it, you mean,” she said, with more steel in her voice. “You don’t feel the need because you aren’t worried about me. You think that because you’re happy that I must be too. But I’m not, Nick, and part of being married means you’re concerned about the other person. And you’ve shown me that you’re not.”
Now Nick was frightened. “Whoa, Gabby, wait a minute—”
But Gabrielle was going to be heard. “I married you because I love you, even if it’s not the way that you always hoped for,” she said. “I thought we could get past that. But it seems to have put us on unequal ground. You can’t bring yourself to make any real effort in this marriage, and so I’m pulling all the weight, and I’m exhausted, and what I thought was going to be my refuge is really my burden.” There were tears gathering in her eyes, but she was not about to let them fall. “So I want out.”
I was watching Nick closely as she said this. He went pale as she said this last, and fear and pain rushed into his aura. “Out?” he choked. “What the hell do you mean you want out?”
“I mean I want a divorce,” Gabrielle said calmly.
“A divorce?” he repeated. Now he was drawing up anger to shield himself from the pain. He pushed up to his feet. “My God, Gabby, we’ve been married six months!”
“I’m well aware of how long we’ve been married,” Gabrielle said. “Sometimes I feel like every day is sitting on my back like rocks.”
Nick shook his head and stalked into the kitchen. “So you just want to give up, do you?”
“Don’t follow him,” Inca murmured to her when she would have gotten up. “Don’t let him control this situation.”
So Gabrielle stayed put, and a moment later Nick came back, a beer in his hand and anger on his face. “Do you realize how weak we will look? What will your parents think? Or mine?”
“I’ve thought about all of that, and none of it is more important than my personal happiness,” Gabrielle answered.
“Oh, really? And just how long have you been thinking about this?”
“For a few weeks,” she admitted.
“And just when the fuck were you going to tell me?”
She looked up at him, maintaining her calm. “When I was sure there were no other options.”
Abruptly Nick’s anger melted away. He set his beer down and fell to his knees in front of her. “Gabby, come on,” he pleaded. “You’ve got to give me a chance. We can go to therapy, okay? I’ll make us an appointment for first thing Monday morning, if you want.”
“I have class first thing Monday morning, Nick,” Gabrielle said, not without compassion. “And honestly? I’m tired of fighting for this relationship. I’ve been fighting alone all this time, and I’m tired of it. I knew going into this that it would only work if we were both all in, and we haven’t been. You haven’t been. So I’m done.” She got to her feet. “I’m going to stay at Vic’s tonight.”
He protested, cried, begged, argued. She was having none of it. She went to fetch the bag that she had packed and put Walter on his leash. But at the door, she turned and put her hand on Nick’s face. “I’m sorry to put you through all of this,” she said, and she meant it. “Part of me will always love you, Nick. But it’s not enough.” She kissed his cheek and stepped back. “You think about it, okay? I think you’ll see that it’s better this way. I’ll come back on Sunday after church and we can talk again.” And she let herself out, closing the door firmly behind her.
She took the stairs down to the lobby, partly because she did not want Nick to follow her and partly because she was crying and she didn’t want any of her neighbors to see. But as she stepped out into the evening sunlight and took a deep breath, a feeling stirred in her heart that stopped her tears. It was like freedom, and it was something that she had not felt in a long time.
With that feeling, all of my remaining doubts dissolved. Gabrielle is right—we have moved beyond the point now where this relationship could be saved. Should she continue to fight and hurt, just for the sake of making other people’s lives easier or more comfortable? No, for then she would be living a lie, and it would hurt them too, in time. It is far better to tell a hard truth, and bear the consequences, than let a lie fester.
So I am with her, whatever may happen. And together we will survive what comes.