Last night was a night of ups and downs for Lewis. His moods changed so suddenly I could hardly keep up—one moment he was flying high, and the next he would feel pressed into the earth. It ended on a good note, which was a relief for me, but Brid is worried that his happiness now might have a corresponding fall in the next few days. Both of us will be watching closely to help him if that happens.
It was simple enough—just an evening out for drinks with Sarah, Eric, Jo, and Drew. Lewis was nervous, but no more so than he is for most new things, and there was a part of him that was also looking forward to the evening.
And it started well—Jo kissed him on the cheek when he arrived, and Drew and Eric immediately brought him into a conversation about baseball. He enjoyed this very much, but he also noticed that Jo was not interested, and so he changed the subject after a few minutes and was delighted by Jo’s appreciative smile.
And then Sarah arrived—“Late, as usual,” Jo noted, laughing at her.
As I’d feared, her arrival set off a thrum of panic in Lewis’s chest. This is not the first time he has seen Sarah since he told her how he feels, but it is the first time that they have met in the company of other people. He was terrified that the others would notice the difference between the two of them, and so he could not bring himself to meet Sarah’s eyes.
I tried to tell him that it would make little difference if the others did notice the change—Jo, Drew, and Eric have proved themselves to be good friends, and while they might tease a bit, I think they would be pleased by the pairing. But Lewis is not ready to face any outside scrutiny. So I was in for a delicate evening—keeping Lewis calm, helping Sarah understand his aloofness, and trying to keep the others from noticing the awkwardness. At the last endeavor, I know that I failed, but they were too polite to say anything.
Lewis was just beginning to relax again when a stranger approached the side of the table where Sarah stood. His smile and the interest in his eyes caught Lewis’s attention immediately.
“Hey, there,” he said. “Sarah, right?”
Sarah raised her eyebrows and turned to face him. “That’s right. How did you know that?”
Lewis thought that her tone was already too flirtatious. His hand was clenched tight around his glass, and though I washed him with calm, it didn’t loosen.
“I think we went to college together,” the new man explained. He laughed. “Though I must not have made much of an impression.”
Sarah waved a hand. “Oh, no, I remember! You were in my psych class. No—don’t tell me…Steven?”
“Stan,” he corrected, and she snapped her fingers and laughed with him. Lewis downed what was left in his glass and turned his head away.
I pointed out to Lewis that she hadn’t invited Stan into the group, that her voice was still only friendly and not as intrigued as Lewis feared. Still the jealousy churned in his stomach.
It leapt up into his throat when Stan motioned to the bar and said, “Would your friends mind if I bought you a drink?”
Sarah hesitated, and her gaze flickered over the group. Jo was grinning, and Drew and Eric both shrugged. Lewis held still—to his credit, he was trying very hard not to show how much he was upset by this.
Sarah saw, anyway. She turned back to Stan with a different smile. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not looking for a date right now.”
To my surprise, this did not calm Lewis. Rather, his anger simply shifted, and now it was directed at Sarah. He hardly heard Stan’s abashed retreat, too busy trying to breathe through the anger.
Now the tension was too thick to ignore, despite all my efforts, and so the group broke up a few minutes later. With a promise to hold a new game night soon, Jo and Drew left, followed soon by Eric, though he glanced curiously over his shoulder at Sarah and Lewis.
Left alone at the table, Sarah calmly sipped her drink and watched Lewis, waiting.
“You are going to have to talk to her,” I told him after a long silence. “She won’t leave until you do.”
He gritted his teeth. “What the hell are you doing?” he asked finally.
“Waiting for you to explain your face to me,” she answered.
He looked up at her. “Why did you shoot him down?”
“Because I don’t really remember him, and he’d always want to be trying to score points by talking about the good old days.” She grimaced. “Awkward.”
Lewis stared at her, trying to gauge if there was more.
She shrugged. “And I’m not available, anyway.”
This was what Lewis had feared. “Sarah, I told you not to wait around for me,” he sighed, pushing his hair out of his face—it is getting too long for his tastes, but going to the barber always seems like too much of a chore for him.
“And I told you I’m not just going to do what I’m told,” she answered.
The panic was in his throat again. “Sarah, I can’t—I’m not ready,” he said pleadingly.
“Am I asking you to be?” she demanded. “I’m not in any hurry, Lew. Take your time and get yourself together, and when you do, I’ll be here.”
He didn’t know what else to say. He felt guilty for holding her back, and defensive over that guilt. But there was also a part of him that glowed with warmth at her loyalty, and I did what I could to feed that warmth.
“I don’t expect that,” he said finally. “And I won’t hold you to that. I don’t want you to…miss out on anything.”
Sarah got up, put her purse over her shoulder, and came around to his side of the table. She took his chin in her hands and turned his face towards hers. He allowed this, the tension having gone out of him the moment she touched him.
Very gently, she rose on her toes and kissed his mouth. The touch of her lips was like a shock to his system.
While he sat frozen, she said quietly again, “I’ll be here.” Then she gave him a quick smile and went to settle up her tab on her way out.
This, of course, has been on Lewis’ mind all night. He has gone back and forth between euphoria and despair, interspersed with moments of determination to get himself back into shape. I have done what I can to level out these spiking emotions, but it will be a longer process than one night’s work, I am sure.
I hope that Sarah will be here. I hope that her patience is rewarded. But I think it will not be soon that Lewis is ready to stand by her side.