“So,” Eric said, “you and Sarah.”
I begin this way to illustrate the banality of the words that sent Lewis into a spiral. He and Eric had been sitting in Eric’s house, watching television and saying next to nothing to one another. Lewis had been enjoying the quiet company. The moment Eric spoke that name, however, his heart began to race, and he wasn’t certain whether it was with happiness or anxiety.
“Was it really that obvious?” he asked, sitting forward to put his head in his hands.
Eric’s snort was eloquent.
“Ugh.” Lewis got to his feet and started to pace. He has dreaded this conversation with Eric, whom he has started to see as a kind of mentor in his healing. He fears, to the point of terror, Eric’s disapproval, even though he inflicts that same disapproval on himself. To have it come from his friend would seal his doom and destroy all of the hopes he tries not to believe in.
Poor Lewis. His head is a very confusing place these days.
Eric did not press, and so it took me quite a bit of work to convince Lewis to return to the subject. “How long did you wait before you dated someone again?” he asked. “After you got back?”
Eric tipped back his head to think. “Kind of different for me,” he said. “I had a long-term girlfriend the whole time I was out there, but when I got back…” He grimaced. “After a while we just agreed to cool it for a while until my head was in better shape. And once it was—well, put it this way. I’m headed out to her wedding at the end of the year.”
Lewis paused, distracted from his turmoil by the sympathy he felt. “That’s rough.”
Eric shrugged, and there was only a trace of pain in his smile. “She’s happy, and she deserved better than having to put my ass back together again.”
Lewis sighed and sank back into his chair. “So you think I should wait?” he asked.
Eric studied Lewis with narrowed eyes. “I think there’s two people involved here,” he said, “and what worked out for Cam and me might not be right for you and Sarah. You’ve talked to her, right?”
“Yeah, she knows where I stand.”
“And she’s sticking around?”
“Yeah.” Lewis couldn’t help but smile at that.
Eric smiled back. “Okay then.” He reached for his beer again, seeming to believe the conversation closed.
I leaned forward, urging Lewis to ask the question that still worried him. “So you don’t think I’m a bastard for putting all my crap on her? For even thinking about it?”
For a moment Eric was silent. Then he grabbed the remote and turned the television off. “Listen, brother,” he said, turning to face Lewis directly. “Cam and I didn’t work out, but she was the reason I wanted to put myself back together. And you need a reason, you do. Because when you’re in the dark like that, you don’t believe that you yourself are worth it.” He held Lewis’s gaze. “You are, but I know how hard it is to believe that. So trust me, your feelings for her are a good thing.”
“Of course they are,” I murmured to Lewis. “Real love is always a blessing.”
And between us, I think we managed to convince him. Lewis spent the rest of the day turning that over in his head, and when he went to sleep tonight, he was much less anxious about Sarah than he has been. The difference was marked enough that Brid is beginning to think he might be ready to start the relationship soon. She is still cautious, and I have promised to follow her lead, but the time may come in the next few weeks. We shall see!