I only spent a few hours on Earth today, less than half the time that I used to, and yet I feel so exhausted. Where has all of my energy gone? Have not my brothers and sisters defined me by my energy and passion? I feel none of that now.
It took all that I had simply to persuade Allen to take a break from his work to spend an evening with Megan. I felt as if I were crying out directly in his ear, but still my voice was nothing but whispers. Thank the Father for Sabasa, who helped me by blocking Allen’s inspiration entirely. It was effective—he put art out of his mind and made dinner for Megan, keeping the focus of the evening on her—but I hate that we had to resort to such measures. Sabasa was cheerful about it, saying that fallow periods are necessary for creative work, but I wonder if she was being honest with me.
After that, I was already nearly finished. Brid, who had stayed in contact with me throughout my work with Allen, tried to persuade me to come back to Heaven, that this was enough of a beginning. But what a poor beginning! Finally I decided that if I could see no one else, I had to see Lewis.
It was a relief to spend time with him. I had been afraid that my mood would make his worse, but rather it was the other way around. Lewis is showing signs of improvement again, and though the shadows are lingering on his soul, he is climbing back up the slope. We sat together for a while in silence—he had the afternoon off and was trying to read, but his thoughts distracted him often. I watched him thinking, his mood serious but not pained. He thought about life, his hopes for the future, his troublesome past, all with an objective view that I envied.
There was a companionship there, sitting with him, that I do not feel with my siblings. I looked at him and I thought, this is someone who understands grief and pain. He has been through that valley and is finding his way back.
I know that it is not fair of me to think I will have any less toil to heal than Lewis does, but how I want to be better again. As I am, I can’t help anyone.