They want to take me off Freya’s case.
I am sorry to be blunt, but I can think of no clever opening for this post. I can only say what has been screaming in my mind ever since Danit first said it.
Well, perhaps not that long, because I did not understand at first. Danit met with me to discuss my charges, and she told me that she felt it was time for a fresh start. “They are all in a good position for you to bow out, I believe,” she said. “And Zezette and I feel that a clean slate will be good for you.”
“Excellent,” I said. “I agree, I think it is time. They are so happy, after all, and I feel ready to take on new challenges. How many new charges do you think that I could take on once I’ve said my goodbyes?”
“We have six who may benefit from your attention,” Danit said, which startled me.
“Six? I appreciate your confidence in my ability, but isn’t that too many? Would I not be spread too thin?”
Danit frowned at me in concern. “Asa’el, I do hope you are not doubting yourself. You have managed quite brilliantly with six charges at one time.”
“Yes, but never with seven. And I know that Freya does not demand much of my attention at the moment, but once she finds someone I would like to spend more time with her, to help smooth the transition—”
Danit stopped moving, and I stopped with her. Even then, seeing her surprise and dismay, I did not realize what was in her thoughts. It was unthinkable to me.
“Asa’el, I thought you understood,” she said quietly. “We want you to have an entirely fresh start. It is time let all of your charges go.”
I stared at her, uncomprehending. I did not want to understand.
She shifted her wings behind her and sighed. “Asa’el, it is clear how much you love her, but the truth of the matter is, Freya is taking up your valuable time for no purpose. You have given her several opportunities that she may never have had, and it is our hope that you have taught her something about love in her spirit. But there are many others who need your help and your time, and it is time that you turned to them. It is time to move on.”
I had no words.
“I know that this is difficult for you,” she went on, without mercy. “But you are leaving her in a good position. She is strong and she knows herself, and she has solid friendships that will last her many years. That will have to be enough.”
“But what if it isn’t?” I asked, finding my voice at last. “What if—what if without me, she—”
I couldn’t speak the terrible thought, but Danit read it clearly enough in my spirit. Compassion warmed her eyes, and she pulled me into an embrace. “Freya’s light burns brightly, my brother; you need have no fear of her loss to the darkness. Even without your intervention, she will be fine.”
I pushed away from her. “No one can be certain of that,” I said. “No one is safe in that terrible world. If I leave her now—”
“Asa’el, you take too much on yourself,” Danit said, trying to soothe me with her wings. “It is not your responsibility to save them. In the end, it is their choice that does that, and we can only guide, not rescue.”
“But we can make a difference, or why does the Father send us?” I demanded. “Danit, please, have pity. I cannot leave Freya. Please, I will take as many charges as you like, I will gladly work every hour that I have on Earth to help them, but do not take me away from my fire-woman.”
She stared at me—I realized only then that I had fallen to my knees. I stayed there, watching with terror the decision waver in her spirit—but then it solidified again.
“If anything this convinces me even more of the necessity of ending this,” she said. “You are too attached to her, Asa’el, and that is dangerous for you. You will pour out your soul into her, and if she fails, it will destroy you. It is far better to draw back now while you still can.”
“Danit, no—”
“Yes.” There was grief in her eyes, but her mouth was firm. “I will not lose the best talent of this generation. I will not lose you, dear Asa’el, in this long fight. So say your goodbyes.”
And so the decision was made. Just like that, just that easily, I am to leave Freya behind. Just as I left Shannon, I suppose.
Perhaps the right thing to do would be to bow my head and accept this. But I cannot. I cannot.
And I will not.