I have been awarded a sabbath. One week to spend on Earth, time that I can fill with whatever I choose. It began as soon as I gave my consent to the ending of all my assignments.
My last sabbath I used to explore the world and all its beauties. This one, I have been more concerned with the people I have come to know.
I have said my goodbyes to my charges. I visited Hannah, Jack, and Lily over breakfast as Lily and Hannah paged through bridal magazines and Jack checked Lily’s homework. He teased them that he was doing all the work. Then I stopped by to see Lewis as he sat down with his boss at the coffeeshop, asking if he could change his schedule a bit to suit his online classes. He felt calm, professional, and hopeful, which is all I could have hoped for. My next stop was Allen and Megan, as they went together to meet with a realtor who will help sell Allen’s house. He is officially moving into her house next weekend, though already many of his things have found their way over there, and he is there more often than not. Finally I settled down with Anna, who was having a long talk with her mother on the phone. The happiness in her voice seemed to fill the whole room, for while she has not spoken with Kyle yet about their future, it seems secure to her, and it is.
With all of them in their happiness, it was easy to give them one last blessing and say my farewells. I know that my seniors are right, that they no longer need me.
Freya is different. She still comes home from work and settles down on her couch, still goes out on weekends and comes home alone—just as she did when I first met her. Yes, perhaps her soul is calmer and her confidence has a stronger foundation, but I have made no great change in her life. I have left no mark on her that I can see.
Maybe it is selfish to grieve over that. Maybe I should be glad that she will move on without me with no great suffering for the change. But I do grieve.
I’ve tried to watch over her from a bit of a distance, because she has caught my mood before, and this mood is not one I would wish on anyone. And this grieves me, too. I want to be there by her side, as I have been all this time. Just for a little longer.
The prospect of losing her makes it clearer than ever to me how much she means to me. Anteros was right—my resistance was partly motivated by my fear of failing again. But it was not the whole of my reasons. The rest I can attribute to the simple fact that I love this woman, more than any human I have come across in all my work. And though I have yet to finish my third year of time on Earth, I know that I could not love her more if I had known her for thirty or for three hundred years. I would only learn new ways to express that love, new ways to show her what she means to me.
And I want that time. I want it more than anything I have ever wanted, and I cannot have it. Because Anteros is right. Freya doesn’t need a Cupid anymore. Never mind whether or not she needs me. An angel is defined by his work, and if I am doing nothing for her…
But I cannot help but remember Peronel’s words. If I leave her, I am walking away from love. How can that be right? How does that match the will of God, as it was told to me by one of His own?
It is very hard. It is all very hard. So I am staying with her while I can, and counting the precious minutes.