It is such a terrible shame when something that is supposed to be joyful becomes tainted by the shadows of this world. In other circumstances, I might have rejoiced to inform you of something that instead weighs down my heart.
Grace has learned that she is pregnant.
I was with her when she received confirmation of it—before the test came up positive, she did not want to believe. But now she is certain, and her heart is breaking all over again.
She has always wanted children, and she wanted Con’s children, before he left her. He said that he wanted them, too, and part of him did, though he did not really understand what it would mean to be a father. But because Grace was so enthusiastic about the idea, he went along with it. And so, even though there are ways to prevent a pregnancy, they were not using such methods for more than a month before the wedding.
On learning the truth, Grace closed her eyes and sank deep down inside herself. The well of grief that has built in her was there, dark and cold, and all the work that she has done trying to fill it seemed undone in that moment. For a moment everything she has lost flashed in front of her eyes, more vivid than ever before.
“Oh, God,” she whispered. “What am I going to do?”
I held her, trying to reassure her that she wasn’t alone, but she is. No matter what she decides to do, there will be pain ahead of her, and she will have to go through it alone. Family and friends may support her, but the choice is hers and hers alone.
What can I say about this? I do not know what is best. To raise a child of Con’s would mean that she would have to let him back into her life to some extent, or else take half of her child’s identity away from the very beginning of its life. But would she ever be able to trust him again? And if she were to give the child up, part of her heart would be gone forever. Though it nearly breaks me in two to even think it, perhaps she would be better to end all of this now.
I know what I would want her to do, but is she strong enough to do it well? And what if I am wrong? All I can do is stand by her, whatever choice she makes, and love her for it, or even in spite of it.