Today…I hardly know what to say about today. I am so tired, and yet I know I will not be able to rest until I have written it.
I had been busy, checking in with each of my charges, dealing with a small crisis of nerves on Shannon’s part—she does tend to overreact sometimes. There was only an hour left that I could remain on Earth without straining myself. And what an hour it was!
As my last stop, I went to spend some time with Samantha, who was feeling a bit more peaceful than the last time I had seen her. She had just gotten off the phone with her girlfriend Laurel, and was thinking fondly of her, still running her finger over the edge of her phone. I was just about to settle down to deepen that comfort for her when a voice called up the stairs to her, and that peace fled.
“Sam, honey, come to dinner! Gramma Jane is here.”
Samantha’s chest tightened, and her hand clenched around her phone. In her sudden anxiety, I saw that her grandmother is one of those who not only consistently denies the truth of her transformation, but also says so to her face. She thought about the unsubtle digs, the sharp eyes, the looming disapproval, and her breath began to come in gulps.
“Easy,” I whispered. “You know who you are. You are loved by a good woman for being that person. There is no need for fear.”
It took several repetitions of words to this effect before she began to feel calmer, but at least we were able to avoid a panic attack. She was just steeling herself to go downstairs when a voice called out to me—Alanis, one of my watchers, who spoke anxiously.
“Asa’el, Lee has just received terrible news. I think you are needed.”
I hesitated. I could guess why Alanis had called me; she was right to think that this may be a vital moment for Lee and Pamela. But I looked at Samantha, who was lingering in the doorway to her room, and I knew that she would not be able to go down the stairs without my support.
“Keep careful watch,” I told Alanis. “Learn every detail and keep me apprised. I will come in a few moments.”
I followed Samantha down the stairs, letting her feel only soothing comfort from me, but my thoughts were in turmoil. This would require careful planning—but I was determined not to abandon either of my charges.
The moment Samantha came into the room, I drew her father’s thoughts to her, while turning her grandmother’s thoughts away. Samantha’s father is her one staunch ally in the family, supporting her despite his own confusion about her choices. I warned him of the danger, emphasizing her need for his protection this evening.
He caught his daughter’s eye and beckoned for her to come sit next to him. Then he turned solicitously to his mother-in-law. “Jane, a seat of honor for you,” he said, pulling it out with a flourish—and neatly positioning her where it would be most difficult for her to see Samantha.
Seeing that Samantha was reassured by this, I drew one of my other watchers, Paltiel, to keep an eye on the scene and fled to Lee.
He was sitting with his back against his couch, his apartment darkened, one hand pressed against his head. I settled down next to him, wrapping one wing around him, and radiated comfort even as I listened to Alanis explain. Lee’s father had cancer five years ago, a disease that at the time he managed to defeat. The time of reprieve, however, is now over. Doctors have detected a return of the cancer to the man’s body, and it is more serious this time. They are not hopeful.
Alanis told me that Lee’s mother had told him all of this in a rigid voice, her control so tight it made her sound angry and brittle. It is so painful to have such a victory stolen away.
Lee himself was despondent. He had wanted to come and see his father, but that was not what his parents wished. His father had specifically said that he wanted to live his life as he always had, for as long as he could. Lee wanted to respect this wish, but he felt helpless, without the first idea how to escape the terror of the coming separation.
“You know who you want to see,” I murmured to him. “Why not at least call her?”
He resisted. I could see that I was right, that he wanted to see Pamela’s face, to hear her voice. But he was well aware that his feeling for her was stronger than hers for his, and he did not want her to respond to him only out of pity.
“And how do you know that is how it will be?” I asked. “Try, at least.”
“Asa’el,” Paltiel called.
I lifted one wing and pressed Lee a bit harder. He picked up his phone, then called Pamela.
She answered with a happy trill. “Hello, you! What’s up?”
He took a breath, considering for a moment saying nothing about his trouble—but she heard that breath, and her voice changed.
“What? What is it?”
That broke his control, and he burst into tears.
On the other end of the phone, I heard Pamela scrambling to her feet. “I’m coming,” she said. “Are you at home? I’m coming over right now.”
The rush of relief that filled him reassured me, and I flitted quickly away, back to Samantha.
She was sitting at the dining room table, listening to her grandmother talk—“see so many of these gay couples on television these days, and it just boggles the mind, you know? I know that that happens, of course I know, but do I really need to see it?”
I am not surprised, I suppose, that most people find it so difficult to even interrupt words of prejudice and hate. They can be very shocking.
Rather than disturb Samantha, I nudged her father, who spoke as if he had suddenly remembered something. “Oh, Nina,” he said to his wife, “I meant to ask you—sorry to interrupt, Jane—but did you remember—?”
I stayed with Samantha as the conversation turned, whispering comfort and security to her, urging the other members of the family to interrupt if ever Jane’s thoughts turned back to the person she still sees as her grandson. She began to feel that she might make it through the meal, and even managed to eat a few bites.
“Asa’el,” Alanis called me, “Pamela has arrived.”
I kissed Samantha’s cheek for a quick burst of love and flew back to join Pamela and Lee.
She was sitting on the floor next to Lee, listening as the horrible news poured out of him. “It was just so hard, when he went through it before, and now it’s back and I don’t think he’s going to fight it this time, Pam, I really don’t, which means—” But he choked off at that, and Pamela drew his head to her shoulder.
I was watching her carefully, and the way her heart was aching for him told me much about her feelings for him. I made certain to point this out to her, and the thought frightened her a bit.
“Why be frightened?” I asked her. “Love is a good thing, and you have seen that this man is better for you than any of the others who have hurt you.”
She was quiet, running her fingers through Lee’s hair. He closed his eyes, listening to her heartbeat.
In this quiet moment, I left them to check on Samantha, and it was good that I did. Her mother was asking her about her day, and she was forced to answer, cringing at the sound of her own voice, deeper than she liked.
“The sound of the voice matters less than the words you say,” I said to her.
This thought eased her mind a bit, but she could not avoid her grandmother’s stare.
“Did you see your girlfriend today?” Jane asked when Samantha had finished talking about her shift at work.
Though Jane meant this as a dig—in her ignorance she thinks Samantha’s dating a girl is less of an expression of her true identity—the thought of Laurel calmed Samantha. In fact, it reminded me of how Pamela’s presence reassured Lee. Love can do wondrous things.
She spoke warmly about Laurel, and then the conversation turned to safer topics. I went back to Pamela and Lee, and found them in the dark, taking strength from one another. I hated to disturb the silence, but the words had to be said, and I wanted to be there for both of them when they were, so I urged Lee to speak.
“I’m sorry,” Lee said abruptly. “For dumping all this on you.”
“Oh, baby,” Pamela whispered. “What were you supposed to do, just deal?”
He pulled away from her, unable to look her in the eye. “I just—I don’t expect anything, Pam. I know—well, you’re leaving in a few weeks, and I wanted—”
When he faltered, I drew closer. “Say what you need to say,” I murmured.
“I wanted to stick to what I said,” he said. “To let you go with no regrets. But—God,” he exhaled, pressing his hand to his eyes. “You are the brightest thing in my life, you know that?”
Pamela absorbed this, letting it sink deep down into her core, where it burned like a coal, sending warmth from the crown of her head to her toes and fingertips. She reached out and took his hand, pulling it close against her chest and wrapping her hands around it. She waited until he looked up at her to speak.
“I’m here now,” she whispered. “And I’m not going anywhere.”
And after that, there were no more words to be said. He leaned in to kiss her, and I left them alone.
I carried some of that warmth back to Samantha, I think, who was suddenly reminded of her last exchange with Laurel as I arrived. Unfortunately, Jane saw the gentle smile coming to her face.
“What are you grinning about, Sam?” she demanded.
Samantha looked up in surprise. There was something in her face that disturbed Jane, a strangeness that her hard heart refused to recognize. She put down her cup and leaned forward in a way that Samantha found ominously familiar.
“You still playing at being a girl?” she asked.
“Oh, Mom,” Nina sighed, uncomfortable by the reference. She has her doubts about Samantha’s identity, however, and a healthy fear of her mother, so this was the extent of her protest.
I set my hands on Samantha’s shoulders as Jane continued her attack. “I think I have a right to know. If my grandson is making a fool of himself like this, I want to know about it.”
Samantha swallowed. “If being myself is foolish, then—” she began bravely.
“It’s not yourself,” Jane interrupted, her brow furrowing into deep lines. “You are a young man, raised right, and you’re trying to change what God made you.”
“Now, Jane—”
“It’s a sin, and I think you know that,” Jane said, waving away her son-in-law’s words. “It’s shameful and it’s wrong and it’s a dirty sin. You need to—”
It was at this point that I lost my temper.
Jane’s words stopped abruptly as I rose, spreading my wings. One curled around Samantha’s shoulders—the other two spread wide over the table, so that all of the adults cringed, though they did not know why.
“And are you without sin, woman?” I demanded, speaking deep into her heart where she could not fail to understand. “Look. See how you hurt her, your own flesh and blood. See how your judgment cuts her spirit.” I made her feel Samantha’s hurt, the hurt of one’s own self being denied. The color left Jane’s face.
My anger in her defense had a different effect on Samantha. She suddenly stood, resting her hands on the table. “I don’t have to listen to this,” she said, her voice cool and calm. And she turned and left the room.
I left the rest of the family sitting in silence and went up to Samantha, but there seemed to be no danger of collapse. She was exhilarated by even this small act of defiance against her tormentor, and it made her hope that she might be able to stand up to her again, and to anyone else who denies her true self. She curled up on her bed, weary and uncertain, but feeling a warmth in her chest nonetheless.
All of this in sixty small minutes! I feel worn from the tension, but I feel content that I managed as well as anyone might have hoped. There is a new strength to the bond between Pamela and Lee, and I have taken Samantha one more step on the road to self-confidence. The timing was awkward, but with the help of my able watchers, I did not fail either of them.
Now I must rest. I have learned the hard way what is the price of too long lingering on Earth. Still, I would do it again if I had to.