I am still reeling. Excitement and concern are spinning in my head and I am not certain which way is up. And Inca thought Gabrielle kept her running! This woman is as reckless with her heart as she is with her safety.
She went again to see Nick this weekend, more because she felt like she couldn’t keep still than she wanted to see him. Still, when she saw him waiting for her on his front steps, her heart jumped, and she made a decision with a suddenness that astonished me.
“Wait,” I called to her, but she jumped out of the car and ran into Nick’s arms. Quick as I could, I went after, and came up to them just in time for her to make her suggestion to Nick.
He gaped at her. “What?”
“Let’s get married,” she said again, and she perched on his lap and kissed him hard.
“Gabrielle, just take a moment,” I said, trying to be stern. “He does not even understand what you mean.”
Nick pushed her away, holding her back. “Okay, just give me a second,” he said. “Are you proposing to me?”
Gabrielle blinked at him. “Kinda. What I really want to do is get in the car, see if we can find somewhere with a judge and some witnesses, and just do it.”
Nick had no words. Nor did I.
Gabrielle pushed back to her feet, spreading her arms. “Come on, Nick,” she wheedled, “you know this is where it’s going, so let’s just get it over with! Don’t you want to marry me?”
Nick swallowed the obvious response to that question. “Yeah, but I’d hoped that you wouldn’t just want to ‘get it over with’.”
Her face turned red. “No, I’m sorry, that was poor wording. But I want this.” She reached down and took his hand. “I really do.”
I shrouded her in my wings. “Do you?” I whispered to her. “Are you certain? Because if you are really certain this is what you want, I will help you. But it is not something that should be done if you have any doubts.”
She looked down at Nick’s face, familiar and loved, and some of the restless energy in her began to relax. I could come home to this man, she thought. I could do that. And there was peace in her spirit, or at least a lack of fear.
That was good enough for me. But what about Nick? “You have to be honest with him,” I told her. “There can be no hope for you both unless there is honesty.”
She resisted this idea, but I pressed it hard upon her, and so when Nick asked her what was the hurry, she sighed and settled down onto the steps next to him. “I need…a refuge,” she said after a moment of considering her words. “Somewhere, or someone, where I can come home and be safe. Someone who will protect me from judgment and unkindness.”
Nick frowned. “Who’s judging you? Or being unkind?”
“No one yet. But they would be.” She looked down at her hands. “Do you remember…when I was in college, I had this friend. Erica.”
“Yeah, of course I do. I met her a couple of times. Sweet girl.”
“Yeah. I thought so, too.” She wanted to reach for Nick’s hand, but she thought in this moment, she didn’t have a right to touch him. “Nick—Erica was…more than just a friend to me.”
This Nick had not known. He sat silently as the implications of that echoed down into his spirit.
“Are you telling me that you’re gay?” he asked finally, and there was hurt and confusion behind his words.
Gabrielle made a helpless motion of one shoulder, less of a shrug than an attempt to turn away from him and hide herself. “I’m telling you that I fell in love with her. I’ve never been attracted to any other woman, except her, and I don’t even really know if it was physical or anything, but…” She took a deep breath and let it out. “I got too attached. She knew it, and my family knew it. And none of them liked it.”
I had inferred much of this from the conversation two nights before, but it was different to hear her say it, to see the wounds still raw on her soul that she has been hiding with humor and adventure. I knelt in front of her and pressed my forehead against hers, breathing peace and healing on her—a trick I learned from Brid, which must be why it works so well. I also extended a wing over Nick, urging him to listen without judgment, to be the shelter that Gabrielle hopes to find in him.
“Anyway,” Gabrielle said after a moment, “it never went anywhere. Erica and I never even really talked about it, she just—made it clear that she wasn’t interested that way. But ever since then, my parents have been really antsy, and I just know they’re worried.” She looked up at Nick with tears in her eyes. “I didn’t even do anything, but they look at me as if I’m damaged goods.”
Nick’s throat tightened. “So you want to put a band-aid on the problem,” he murmured.
I didn’t even have to say anything—Gabrielle turned immediately and caught both of his hands. “I want to be safe again with someone I love,” she said. “I want to get back to myself again, and there’s no one better to set me straight than you. Nick, we’ve known each other since we were kids. You have always been there for me, and I’ve always loved you. I want to be one whole with you, so you can balance out my craziness and I can shake up your world. I want to make my family happy, make myself happy. Can you believe that?”
I could believe it. Gabrielle was not lying; she does want this. She is honest in that she does not love Nick with any passion, but she is satisfied with what he can give her. She wants that safety for her heart, well and truly. And her love for him is enough, I think. It will not be easy, but with my help, it could be enough.
I conveyed all this to Nick as best I could, so that he finally sighed and smiled, running one hand down the side of her face. “Okay,” he said. “But are you sure you don’t want to wait—I can get you a ring, you can buy a dress—”
She bounced up. “I can get a dress at the mall, and you have a nice tie somewhere, and we can go and do it without all that fuss,” she said. “Let’s just go, Nick. Let’s do it for us, and not anyone else. Let’s have today, and get started on forever.”
He liked the sound of that. He stood up to kiss her, and she threw her arms around him, squealing with delight.
And so it is decided. I would never have expected it so soon, but there it is. I am satisfied that there has been truth between them, and that both are resolved to make the marriage work. Many long, lovely stories over the years have started with less.
It will be hard work, I know, but I am determined not to fail her. So long as this is what she wants, I will move the earth to make it so.