Today I joined Freya to find candles burning and a cake coming out of the oven. She glanced up with a grin when she noticed me. “Hey, Ace! Be my Valentine?”
I was surprised, since Kara had been talking this week about having a girls’ party tonight (“my last before the ball and chain” she said). But Freya was in her nightshirt, and the computer was open on the table, waiting for me.
When I asked, Freya shook her head. “She decided not to have it because George has something planned. But I don’t think I’d have gone anyway. This is Cupid Day, right?” She set the cake on the counter to cool. “So I thought we could stay in and you could tell me Valentine’s stories from the old days.”
I nearly laughed at that. I’m far too young to have any old days. But then, they do feel as if they were a very long time ago.
And so we settled in the warm, fragrant kitchen, and I shared memories with her of my past. She was wide-eyed with wonder at the image of Cupids sweeping through the world, with love flowing out behind them like a cape. I told her about Anteros, his strength and loving power, and about Zezette and Danit.
But she was most interested in my other charges. She pulled up Facebook as we talked, and she was able to find a few of them. Morgan and Brooke are settled in a New York suburb, and Morgan has a regular spot on a podcast. Grace and little Shep are flourishing—he’s two now, and the pictures show him as a robust troublemaker who keeps his mother and father on their toes. Myrtle is doing well, despite an injury which would have kept her off the stage even if there had been live performances happening. It actually woke in her an interest in physical therapy, so she’s looking into that as a career path after dancing is no longer feasible. It helps that Jaquinn is still with her and supports anything she would like to do.
“Look, all of these people are still with the people you set them up with!” Freya exclaimed. “Do all Cupids have such a good record?”
I’ve been very fortunate. And it’s not true that all of my couples lasted. Grace and Con—
“Those two still count, they’re raising a baby together.”
But it was not a successful relationship. And Mary and Jordan broke up on their way to college.
“Ooh, that reminds me,” Freya said, clicking away from our conversation. She typed into a search bar, and a moment later she was laughing with delight. “It’s still here! Look, Ace, they’ve kept it going.”
I looked over her shoulder and saw to my joy that Mary’s website is still up, though it looks quite a bit different than it did a few years ago. It is much more polished, and seems rather like it gets a great deal of traffic.
“This is amazing,” Freya breathed, and I saw that she was glad to have solid evidence of everything I have done in this world. It thrills her that all around her, there are people living their lives, all unaware that they were touched by the same will that touched her.
“Amazing,” she said again and looked up with a grin. “Honestly, Ace, haven’t you ever failed at anything?”
She meant it as a joke, but the sight of her lively face, surrounded by the falls of red hair, felt suddenly like an arrow through my heart. I have told Freya many things, but I have never been able to tell her about Shannon.
“Oh,” Freya said, the smile dropping from her face. She pushed up from her chair, her hand going up to cover her heart. “Ace, I—I’m sorry, that was stupid.”
She waited, because I have never not explained such a powerful feeling to her. It took me some time, though, to find words.
There was one of my charges who
She needed me more than any of my other charges, and I was not enough for her. I couldn’t
- I didn’t even love her, not at first. The very least that a Cupid must do, and yet it took me so long. So much wasted time.
The computer was getting confused messages from me, its screen flickering, and there were tears standing in Freya’s eyes. I took a firmer grip on myself.
Freya, I will tell you another day, I promise, but I cannot do it now. Can we speak of something happier?
“Of course,” she said immediately, wiping her eyes and settling back down. “Um—well, there were a couple of your charges that I met, didn’t I? You told me so but you didn’t tell me who.”
That was indeed happier, and I was glad to tell her about Ramona and Pamela. We checked in on them both and discovered that Jesse and Ramona have been married for a year now and are looking into adopting a child with special needs, while Pamela has her teaching job and is also planning her wedding to Lee.
Freya shook her head. “You’re amazing, Ace.” There was more emphasis behind the words now, as if she were trying to reassure me. “All this happiness is because of you.”
With these two, at least, you helped.
That warmed her, and she beamed at the computer. But her thoughts dragged downward, and she brushed her fingers over the keys.
“In a way,” she said quietly, “I was one of your failures too. You set me up with a bunch of different guys, and none of them worked out. Not even George.”
I wasn’t quite sure what to say at first.
Perhaps then those are my failures and not yours. Perhaps I led you astray from someone you were supposed to be with.
“Oh, come on, I know better than that now,” she scoffed. “Free will, right? There’s no real ‘supposed to be’.” She laughed a little. “Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I was just too stubborn to see what was good for me.”
There is nothing wrong with wanting true love, Freya. None of those men were quite right. And your life does not lack for love. You have your mother, your friends—
“And you,” she added, glancing up with a smile.
You will always have me, until you no longer need me.
“Hmm,” she said, sitting back in her chair. “You know what I think? I think faith can’t happen if love doesn’t happen first.”
I was a bit surprised by the direction of her thoughts.
What makes you say that?
“Because I wouldn’t have been able to believe in you the way I do if I couldn’t feel how much you love me.” She set her hand on her chest. “It’s the most real thing in my life, Ace. It’s real, and it’s amazing. And I hope you know that I love you, too.”
She has never said it aloud. I felt that I had been set aflame with the fire that does not destroy, only illuminates and warms—the fire of God.
“And you know what else I think?” she went on before I could speak, wiping her eyes and getting to her feet.
What is that?
“I think it’s time to eat some of this cake.”