Some of you have been wondering, as I have, whether I will be receiving a new charge with Brid soon. It was several months ago now that I was told this would happen. I thought that the delay was due to Brid’s time being taken up by her other charges, but she told me just today that she does have the time to spare. I was tired of talking about myself and asked how she was faring, and she told me that she could have, in fact, used a bit more work, if it would get her mind off of Amy.
This gave me the courage to go and talk to Danit about it. I have not wanted to bother any of my seniors since the hearing, since I still believe myself to have come away from the whole thing remarkably easily, but for Brid’s sake I could do it.
Danit, however, had little to say. “I understand Brid’s concerns and your own, Asa’el, but I have spoken to Zaman about this and he understands. We would like you to focus on your own work for now.”
I was puzzled by this. “But I am still working on a charge with Inca. Why should I not take on another charge with Brid? We work very well together, perhaps—”
Danit frowned, and I let my words trail away. She shook her head. “To say truth, Asa’el, there were those among us who believed that your collaboration with angels outside of your calling was the cause of your recent difficulty.”
That is a strange word for an action I took to protect someone I love.
“We will not take you away from your work with Gabrielle,” she continued, “because it would not be fair to her. But for the time being, we would like you to focus on your work on your own.”
Before I could say anything more, she excused herself and went on her way. I was left to try and understand what it was she had and had not said to me.
When I think about it, I think I understand where she is coming from. I have strayed from the usual path a Cupid takes, and this frightened my seniors. They want me to keep to what is known, what is understood to be safe. I understand this and I know that they are looking out for me, but they cannot deny the good that Inca and Brid and I have managed to do. And I find so much joy in collaborating with my sisters and brothers—indeed, I had other ideas for partners I might work with in future.
Surely Danit did not mean to imply a lack of faith in Inca? Or in Brid? Inca has been a staunch friend to me, and I have learned so much from her. And Brid…I would not be where I am at all if not for Brid. Hers was the first name that I knew, aside from my own.
That moment…that first blissful moment of awareness, of warmth and light and realization, and then the whisper of a sweet parental voice, filled with so much love…
You are Asa’el.
Asa’el. Whenever someone says my name, whenever I write it, I remember that moment when it was given to me.
But the bliss and assurance of my birth did not last, for me. I waited, as I knew I should, and waited, there in the emptiness where I had come to be. I waited. And waited. And as more and more strange faces came to look at me and passed me by, I grew uncertain. Then frightened.
I know now, as I didn’t then, that these were angels coming to see if I was to be one of their own. Justices and Stewards and Gathers and Healers and Cupids and Comforters and Guardians and Orders and Scribes…it is a role of a senior to look over the new putti and take in the ones whose spirits show an aptitude for their work.
I showed no such aptitude. So I waited, and I overheard the uncertain whispers of my seniors, who did not know where to send me. They did not know what I was.
I remember weeping, filled with fear, begging for that soft voice to come back and help me. I wanted to work, I know that, I wanted to help my parent, but I did not know how.
And then Brid was there. She was like me, new and stunned by love and existence. She looked right at me, and she said, “My name is Brid!”
My fear disappeared in the joy of giving my own name. “I am Asa’el.” But then my heart sank again, for that was the only thing I knew about myself.
She saw my distress. “Are you unwell?” she asked me, coming closer.
“No,” I said, “I am unhappy.”
“It’s more important to be well than to be happy,” she said. Even in her very first moments, she was certain of herself. I have always been amused by that, and envious of it.
“Well, how can I be well if I am unhappy?” I asked her.
It was then that one of the seniors approached to look at Brid. He was not a Healer, but even so he knew what she was, and he laughed as he called a Healer to confirm his guess.
I often remember that laughter—the fondness in it, the relief of a question answered. A relief that I thought I would never have. And I hid my face in my hands and wept, though quietly, for I did not want to ruin Brid’s moment.
She has told me since then that learning her calling was almost as exciting as learning her name. But even in her joy, she did not forget me.
“I’m not leaving,” she told her seniors.
That made me look up in astonishment. Even only moments old, I knew that disobedience was wrong.
“It would be wrong,” she went on, and she came back to sit next to me. “Asa’el is not well. He needs me. And I am going to stay with him until he has his calling.”
And she looked at me, and smiled at me, and I felt such a rush of gratitude and love for her. I would have done anything for her in that moment—I would still do anything for her.
It is because of Brid that I have my calling at all, for it was that rush of love that caught my seniors’ attention and gave me the position of Cupid. So much of what I am was built on that small action she took for my sake.
And yet…
Brid has not mentioned it, and I have not been brave enough to bring it up, but I know her well enough to know that she is wondering, as I have been. The seniors said that they thought they had chosen wrongly to place me as a Cupid. They did say they had rejected this idea, but I cannot do so quite so easily.
But where else should I be, if not serving and following love? The love taught to me by my caring and nurturing friend has stood me in good stead all my life. Even Peronel told me to continue to let it guide me. I must keep it in my sights, and not allow doubt to lead the way.
I am a Cupid, and proud to be. I am where God wants me to be.